Ok, I know you want to stick with your current code, but I was bored and encouraged by napa182's socket suggestion. Here is the product of my boredom:

on *:text:$($strip(!fyl)):*: {
  if (!%fp) { inc -u5 %fp
    sock $+ $iif($sock(fyl),close fyl,$&
      open fyl www.fmylife.com 80)
    sockmark fyl .msg $iif(#,#,$nick)
  }
}
alias -l x { 
  return $regsubex($gettok($1,1-,32),/(.)/,$&
    $replace($upper(\1),I,You,I'm,You're)) 
}
on *:sockopen:fyl: { 
  var %f sockwrite -nt fyl | %f GET /random HTTP/1.1
  %f Host: www.fmylife.com | %f $crlf
}
on *:sockread:fyl: { 
  sockread -fn &fylife | if ($regex($bvar(&fylife,1,$&
    $bvar(&fylife,0)).text,/class="\w+">(.*?)</a><a href=.*/)) {
    $sock(fyl).mark $x($replace($regsubex($regml(1),$&
      /<(.|\n)*?>|&quot|today\54|&amp;/ig,),my,$&
      your,themselves,yourself,was,were)) FYL. | sockclose fyl
  }
}

As you can see, I've altered FML to literally FYL by borrowing the body of messages. Also, I use binary variables for experimentation purposes. I know I could have used regular variable to do the same. :p> !fyl

You asked your boyfriend what he thinks about long term relationships. FYL. !fyl Your husband is completely convinced that his taking a massive dump after being constipated is exactly like the time I gave birth to our twins. FYL. !fyl You were sitting in a bar next to this gorgeous guy who kept eyeing me up and after about 30 minutes he finally leaned in to whisper something in your ear. FYL. !fyl You drank a good amount of vodka and cut your own hair. FYL.There are lots and lots more messages, and you could have as many of them as you like. =)