Something like this maybe

on *:text:!epenis *:#: {
  if ($2 ison $chan) {
    var %up = $uptime(system,3)
    var %in = $sqrt($calc(0.0005 * %up))
    var %cm = %in * 2.540
    if ((%ePenis.record !isnum) || (%ePenis.record < %up)) {
      set %ePenis.record %up
    }
    var %r.in = $sqrt($calc(0.0005 * %ePenis.record))
    var %r.cm = %r.in * 2.540
    %in = $round(%in,50)
    %cm = $round(%cm,50)
    %r.in = $round(%r.in,50)
    %r.cm = $round(%r.cm,50)
    describe $chan slaps $2 with his e-Peen0r which is %in inches ( $+ %cm cm) erect! $& Largest erection ever was %r.in inches ( $+ %r.cm cm)!
  }
  else {
    msg $chan You can't attack someone who isn't here.
  }
}
on *:exit:{
  if ((%ePenis.record !isnum) || (%ePenis.record < $uptime(system,3))) {
    set %ePenis.record $uptime(system,3)
  }
}