why use loop?? use $str and why using $nick($active,$nick($active,$1)) that return "$1" so use just $1
and is

 $iif(%green > %red,04 $+ %green $+ %,09 $+ %green $+ %) Retarded!
can be 
is $iif(%green > %red,04,09) $+ %green $+ % Retarded!

alias failradar {
  var %gaybar 1,%green $r(1,100),%red $calc(100 - %green),%gbar 9,9 $+ $str($chr(124),[ %green ]),%rbar 4,4 $+ $str($chr(124),[ %red ])
  .timer 1 1 describe $active is scanning $1 using his Radar of Fail Dicks
  .timer 1 2 describe $active %gbar $+ %rbar $+  $1 is $iif(%green > %red,04,09) $+ %green $+ % Retarded!
  .timer 1 3 msg $active $iif(%green > %red,OMFG! That's one big ass Fail Dick Dick!,Wow $+ $chr(44) $1 isn't that much of a fail dick at all!) $+ 
}