@Jethro_ not everyone is a pro at regex like you are lol

As for the 50 "if ($2 == $me)" one will suffice and enclose them in brackets

on *:action:$($+(*,slaps,*,$me,*)):#:{
  if ($2 == $me) {
    inc %slaps
    describe $chan pulls out an 12AK47...
   .timer 1 2 msg $chan 9Bitch do 4NOT 9fucking slap me!
   .timer 1 4 describe $chan points the AK at 6 $nick
   .timer 1 6 msg $chan 7Got it?!
   .timer 1 9 msg $chan 9I pulled out this AK15 %slaps 9times now.
  }
}