My first... not the greatest... but I did it...

Usage: !magic NICK

You need to make a magic.txt file and add some phrases (or add those i have added to the bottom of the snippet).

on 1:TEXT:!magic *:#CHANNEL:{
  if ($2 ison #) {
    if ($2 != null) {
      if ($2 == $nick) { msg $chan 4 $nick  12...You dont want to perform magic on yourself you idiot! | halt }
    }
    if ($2 == $null) { msg $nick Please add a nickname after !magic | halt }
    else { describe $chan waves the magic wand... | describe $chan $read(magic.txt) | halt }
  }
  else { msg $chan 12Uhh  $nick  ...Do you see 4 $2  12in here anywhere? Well do ya? 4Because I dont. Try again! } 
}

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
Phrases for magic.txt
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
turns 4 $2  into a flamingo.
turns 4 $2  into a burnt marshmallow.
makes  $nick  slap 4 $2  in the head with a big shrimp.
turns 4 $2  into a pain in the ass. (Wasnt all that much work.. grin).
throws  $nick  on  $2 's  back and hollers, "Giddy up horsey, Giddy up!"
makes  $nick  slap 4 $2  with a cheese covered macaroni noodle.
wacks 4 $2  in the head with a bologna sandwich.
slips a frog into 4 $2 's pants.
pokes 4 $2  in the chest repeatedly for 2 minutes straight.
throws 4 $2  onto their knees making them obey  $nick 's  every command.
turns 4 $2  into a chocolate covered strawberry.
removes 4 $2 's brain... (They had no use for it anyway!)
makes 4 $2  scream like a little girl.
sends 4 $2  into space for a week.
stuffs a golf ball in 4 $2 's mouth.
turns 4 $2  into a vulture.
pours honey over 4 $2 's entire body, and lets a swarm of bees in the room.
pours ice cold water down over 4 $2 
turns 4 $2  into an old maid.
shoves a hot dog up 4 $2 's nose and pulls it out and tosses it across the room.
turns 4 $2  into a nut... (Your choice... left, right... it doesnt matter).
slaps 4 $2  around with a wet noodle covered in grease.
sends 4 $2  on the shopping spree of their lifetime.
gives 4 $2  2 dollas and a clue.
shrinks 4 $2  into a midget and makes them perform at the circus for beer money.
lays 4 $2  down and begins to create a human sundae.
throws 4 $2  into a pit of venomous snakes.
strips 4 $2  naked, paints them fluorescent orange, and makes them run thru the room singing... "when I think about u I touch myself!"
lets 4 $2  rub his wand for special powers.
removes 4 $2 's eyes and reinserts them into their ass so that they can get a shitty outlook on life.
bends 4 $2  over and spanks them like a rotten stepchild.
turns 4 $2  into a rectal thermometer.
turns 4 $2  into crack cream.
throws 4 $2  into a pit of huge rats.
strips 4 $2  then ties them down and uses a feather to tickle their entire body until they scream Uncle.
turns 4 $2  into a vibrator.
gives 4 $2  an eraser burn on their forehead.
wraps 4 $2  up in saran wrap, leaving only their mouth free.
forces 4 $2  to put a hickey on a hemmorhoid.
turns 4 $2  into a PMSing woman, with no pads/tampons, pain relief, or chocolate in sight.
turns 4 $2  into a porn star, but may only star in movies with people over 50.
turns 4 $2  into a swollen hemmorhoid.
strips 4 $2  and puts naughty clothes on them and drives them to the closest corner for some action.
turns 4 $2  into a steak dinner.
smacks 4 $2  in the head with a bag of ice.
turns 4 $2  into bubble wrap and lets everyone take turns stomping 4 $2 .
turns 4 $2  into a muffler.
throws a handful of vaseline in 4 $2 's face.
forces 4 $2  to eat 5 cans of beans.
turns 4 $2  into a rabid penguin.
turns 4 $2  into a twatwaffle and sprays you with syrup.
turns 4 $2  into a psychotic leprechaun.
turns 4 $2  into a dancing hemmorhoid that keeps singing..  "I wanttttt canddddyyyyy..."