Jokes.....

By GuardianDemon on Jul 18, 2007

WARNING, VERY IMPORTANT THESE JOKES ARE RUDE, FILTHY, AND SOME ARE DISRESPECTFUL IF THATS NOT WHAT YOUR LOOKING FOR THIS IS NOT FOR YOU.... IF IT IS THEN THESE ARE VERY FUNNY.

The Are Set On A Timer So That You Have A Little Time To Think Before It Shoots Out The Answer, And I Added Some Colors It Would Save You Some Time I Hope You Enjoy This. It Took Me A While To Make So.....And If You Want To Add Something And Don't Know How Just Ask It's Very Simple.If It Doesn't Work Than Tell Me And Ill Fix It, If You Know Why Then That Would Help Even More. For S Specific Room On The First Line on :TEXT:!Joke:#:{ Change # To The Room Example:on :TEXT:!joke:#GuardianDemons:{

on *:TEXT:!joke:#:{
/set %Joke $rand(1,91)
    if (%Joke == 1) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan  2[T]15he back of her head. 
    }
    if (%Joke == 2) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan  Artificial intelligence. 
    }
    if (%Joke == 3) { msg $chan   2[W]15hat do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[P]15ull the pin and throw it back. 
    }
    if (%Joke == 4) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat does a blond and a beer bottle have in common? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[T]15hey're both empty from the neck up. 
    }
    if (%Joke == 5) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat does a blonde owl say? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[W]15hat, what? 
    }
    if (%Joke == 6) { msg $chan  2[W]15hat's the Blonde's cheer? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[I]15'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
    }
    if (%Joke == 7) { msg $chan 2[W]15hy did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan  2[T]15o see what was on the other side.
    }
    if (%Joke == 8) { msg $chan 2[W]15hy did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan  2[F]15rom crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk".
    }
    if (%Joke == 9) { msg $chan 2[W]15hy did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[S]15o she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
    }
    if (%Joke == 10) { msg $chan 2[W]15hy did the blonde try and steal a police car? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[S]15he saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
    }
    if (%Joke == 11) { msg $chan   2[W]15hy did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[B]15ecause the can said "concentrate" on it. 
    }
    if (%Joke == 12) { msg $chan  2[H]15ow do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[T]15ell her a joke on Wednesday. 
    }
    if (%Joke == 13) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan  2[T]15rying to hold on to a thought.
    }
    if (%Joke == 14) { msg $chan 2[W]15hy don't blondes have elevator jobs? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[T]15hey don't know the route. 
    }
    if (%Joke == 15) { msg $chan  2[W]15hy do blondes work seven days a week? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[S]15o you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
    }
    if (%Joke == 16) { msg $chan  2[H]15ow does a blonde commit suicide? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[S]15he gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off. 
    }
    if (%Joke == 17) { msg $chan   2[H]15ow do you plant dope? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[B]15ury a blonde. 
    }
    if (%Joke == 18) { msg $chan 2[H]15ow do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[W]15ave to her. 
    }
    if (%Joke == 19) { msg $chan 2[H]15ow do you make a blonde's eyes light up? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[S]15hine a flashlight in their ear.
    }
    if (%Joke == 20) { msg $chan 2[H]15ow do blonde braincells die? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2 [A]15lone
    }
    if (%Joke == 21) { msg $chan 2[H]15ow do you brainwash a blonde? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2  [G]15ive her a douche and shake her upside down. 
    }
    if (%Joke == 22) { msg $chan 2 [H]15ow do you drown a blond? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2 [L]15eave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
    }
    if (%Joke == 23) { msg $chan 2  [H]15ow do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[F]15lattered. 
    }
    if (%Joke == 24) { msg $chan 2   [H]15ow do you confuse a blonde? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[Y]15ou don't. They're born that way.
    }
    if (%Joke == 25) { msg $chan 2[W]15hy couldn't the blonde write the number eleven? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[S]15he didn't know what number came first.
    }
    if (%Joke == 26) { msg $chan 2 [W]15hat do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[D]15ivorced.  How did the blonde try to kill the bird? 
    }
    if (%Joke == 27) { msg $chan 2[H]15ow did the blonde try to kill the bird? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[S]15he threw it off a cliff. 
    }
    if (%Joke == 28) { msg $chan 2  [H]15ow did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2  [S]15he fell out of the tree.
    }
    if (%Joke == 29) { msg $chan 2[W]15hy can't the blonde make ice cubes? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[S]15he lost the recipe. 
    }
    if (%Joke == 30) { msg $chan 2[H]15ow do you hit a blonde so she will never know it? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[W]15ith a thought. 
    }
    if (%Joke == 31) { msg $chan 2[W]15hy did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[T]15he noise gave her a headache.
    }
    if (%Joke == 32) { msg $chan 2 [H]15ow does a blond know if she's on her way home or on her way to work? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[S]15he opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it.
    }
    if (%Joke == 33) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[P]15erri-air. 
    }
    if (%Joke == 34) { msg $chan 2 [D]15id you hear about the blonde coyote? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[G]15ot stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
    }
    if (%Joke == 35) { msg $chan 2  [W]15hen is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[W]15hen you have a tire pump to reinflate it! 
    }
    if (%Joke == 36) { msg $chan 2  [D]15id you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[S]15he missed. 
    }
    if (%Joke == 37) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2  [D]15ata transfer.
    }
    if (%Joke == 38) { msg $chan 2 [H]15ow do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2 [K]15nock on the door. 
    }
    if (%Joke == 39) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat is the difference between a sin and shame? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[I]15t's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.
    }
    if (%Joke == 40) { msg $chan 2[W]15hy don't they have any toilet paper in KFC? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[B]15ecause its finger licking good! 
    }
    if (%Joke == 41) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[T]15hey can smell it but they cant eat it! 
    }
    if (%Joke == 42) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ???...... 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[A]15 clit around the ear and a flap across the face
    }
    if (%Joke == 43) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat do you do when your wife's staggering? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[S]15hoot her again. 
    }
    if (%Joke == 44) { msg $chan 2: []15What is the difference between and Virgin and a washing machine? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[T]15he washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it!
    }
    if (%Joke == 45) { msg $chan 2[W]15hy doesn't a chicken wear pants? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[C]15over me im going in! 
    }
    if (%Joke == 46) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a windscreen? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[I]15t's arse!
    }
    if (%Joke == 47) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat does a guy and a car have in common? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[T]15hey both have the ability to misfire.
    }
    if (%Joke == 48) { msg $chan 2[W]15hy do men get their great ideas in bed? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[B]15ecause their plugged into a genius!
    }
    if (%Joke == 49) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[I]15f we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!
    }
    if (%Joke == 50) { msg $chan 2 [H]15ow can you tell when a women is having a bad day? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[S]15he has her tampon behind her ear,and she can`t find her cigarette. 
    }
    if (%Joke == 51) { msg $chan 2[W]15hy dont blind men skydive?
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[B]15ecause it scares the shit out of the dog 
    }
    if (%Joke == 52) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat do you call a gay dinosaur? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2 [M]15ega-saur-ass 
    }
    if (%Joke == 53) { msg $chan 2 [W]15hats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend ? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2 [3]15 Stone !
    }
    if (%Joke == 54) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[T]15hey both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!!
    }
    if (%Joke == 55) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat's the difference between government bonds and men?
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[B]15onds mature.
    }
    if (%Joke == 56) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[T]15hey both like a tight seal.
    }
    if (%Joke == 57) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat has three teeth and sixty feet?
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[T]15he front row at a Willy Nelson concert.
    }
    if (%Joke == 58) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat is the new O.J. web site address?
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[s]15lash.slash.backslash.escape
    }
    if (%Joke == 58) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[T]15hey're right! We do taste like chicken!
    }
    if (%Joke == 59) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat did the banana say to the vibrator?
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[W]15hat are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat me!
    }
    if (%Joke == 60) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat is the difference between erotic and kinky?
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[E]15rotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.
    }
    if (%Joke == 61) { msg $chan 2[H]15ow many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[O]15ne..Men will screw anything
    }
    if (%Joke == 62) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[O]15ne is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with ... the other is used to carry groceries.
    }
    if (%Joke == 63) { msg $chan 2[H]15ow can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[T]15he cake jumps out of the girl.
    }
    if (%Joke == 64) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[M]15en always miss them.
    }
    if (%Joke == 65) { msg $chan 2 [W]15hy do so many women fake orgasm?
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[B]15ecause so many men fake foreplay.
    }
    if (%Joke == 66) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[O]15nly 1500 went down on the Titanic.
    }
    if (%Joke == 67) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat's the new game they're playing in the White House?
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[S]15wallow the Leader.
    }
    if (%Joke == 68) { msg $chan 2[H]15ow can you tell if your wife is dead?
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[T]15he sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
    }
    if (%Joke == 69) { msg $chan 2[W]15hy doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[B]15ecause everybody who can run, jump, and swim are already in AmericA:
    }
    if (%Joke == 71) { msg $chan 2[H]15ow are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[T]15hey both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.
    }
    if (%Joke == 72) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[O]15nes a Goodyear. The other is a great year.
    }
    if (%Joke == 73) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot?
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[A]15 man will spend 20 minutes looking for the golf ball.
    }
    if (%Joke == 74) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat's the difference between a whorehouse and a circus?
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[O]15ne is a cunning array of stunts......
    }
    if (%Joke == 75) { msg $chan 2[H]15ow do you suprise Helen Keller?
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[L]15eave the plunger in the toilet.
    }
    if (%Joke == 76) { msg $chan 2[W]15hy can't Frankenstein have children?
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[B]15ecause his nuts are on his neck.
    }
    if (%Joke == 77) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[A]15 whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
    }
    if (%Joke == 78) { msg $chan 2[W]15ho is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[T]14he guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
    }
    if (%Joke == 79) { msg $chan 2[W]15ho is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[S]15he is the one who can eat the last donut!
    }
    if (%Joke == 80) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat has 6 legs and turns in a paddock?
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[A]15 ram doing a ewey
    }
    if (%Joke == 81) { msg $chan 2[W]15hy did God create man?
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[B]15ecause you can't cut the grass with a vibrator.
    }
    if (%Joke == 82) { msg $chan 2[T]15here are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[T]15he one on the range.
    }
    if (%Joke == 83) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat do you call an afghan virgin 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[H]15e forgot to wrap his whopper. 
    }
    if (%Joke == 84) { msg $chan 2[W]15hy does a squirrle swim on its back? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[T]15o keep its nuts dry 
    }
    if (%Joke == 85) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat do you call a lesbian dinosaur 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[A]15 lickalotopis 
    }
    if (%Joke == 86) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat happened to the chinese man who walked into a wall with a boner?
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[H]15e smashed his nose. 
    }
    if (%Joke == 87) { msg $chan 2[W]15hy was the washing machine laughing? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2 [B]15ecause it was taking the piss out the underpants. 
    }
    if (%Joke == 88) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat do you do with a years worth of used condoms? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[M]15elt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear. 
    }
    if (%Joke == 89) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat's the difference between a penis and a bonus? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[Y]15our wife will always blow your bonus! 
    }
    if (%Joke == 90) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat do you call a sheep with no legs? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[A]15 Cloud
    }
    if (%Joke == 91) { msg $chan 2[W]15hat is the definition of the perfect husband? 
      timer 1 6 msg $chan 2[A]15 guy with a seven inch tongue that can breath through his ears.....
    }

Comments

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RevJohn Straub   -  Jul 06, 2010

GuardianDemon clean it up by adding the jokes to a Txt file like Aile said

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buckshot987   -  Sep 18, 2007

kinda sloppy you missed up on some of the jokes not to be rude or anything

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GuardianDemon   -  Jul 19, 2007

Well A Rand Becouse The Fact That Theres So Much How Else Would I Do It MoutainDew?

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mountaindew   -  Jul 19, 2007

i know, why the $rand with such a long snippet?

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Aile   -  Jul 18, 2007

/me sighs Again with the long scripts mate ;o long scripts dont make you look good :p its how conpact you can make em :p again;

on $*:text:/^[!@]joke/Si:#:{ var %x $iif($Left($1,1) ==@, msg $chan, .notice $nick) | %x $read(jokes.txt) }

Just try to make scripts like this :p

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